


When I'm Gone

by mysteryninja98



Series: In Another World [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Steve Doesn't Come Back, poor Nat, romanogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 00:06:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9689933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysteryninja98/pseuds/mysteryninja98
Summary: "Because even when I'm gone, I'll always be with you."AU. Steve breaks his promise and Natasha reads the letter he never wanted her to have to.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is sad and angsty and quite frankly I never ever want to think about this happening to real people but it does and it hurts me and it's never even happened to me. So if you know someone who's had this happen to them, please do all you can for them. Because wow that was actually kind of hard to just write about, much less experience.

They met through a mutual friend, Darcy, who happened to be one of Nat’s friends and the girlfriend of Steve’s best friend, Bucky. The minute they met, it was pretty much set in stone that they were going to end up together. The flirtatious remarks, the never-ending text messages, the gradual getting closer and closer to the point where they would hang out by themselves.

And they were only gangly little freshman at the time.

So when he asked her to be his girlfriend mid-Sophomore year, no one was surprised. They were actually kind of relieved. Because now they could stop tip-toeing around the fact that they belonged to each other, that they belonged _with_ each other.

And they were happy.

Then senior year came and life started getting in the way. It started when Natasha got accepted to New York University, somewhere she had dreamed of going since she was a little girl. Steve celebrated with her, they shared a kiss and promised to never let the distance get in the way, because Steve was not going to attend NYU. He hadn’t told Nat yet, but he had enlisted in the Army the previous summer. All of his “family vacations” had been tests, training, and other general procedures.

Shortly after Nat’s news, Steve’s mother, Sarah’s, terminal illness started going downhill, fast. And that was how Natasha ended up catching all of Steve’s tears as they watched his sole protector in the world be lowered 6 feet into the ground.

It was then, when Nat stood by him when he needed her the most, when he couldn’t be the strong one in the relationship, that he realized he wanted to be with her forever.

So he asked her on a date one night. Told her to dress special and set up his condo perfectly.

She got there, and he greeted her at the door to soft music, candles, and a makeshift dance floor, made by pushing furniture out of the way. They slow danced with each other until their stomachs made noises that drowned out the music. They enjoyed a home cooked lasagna that Steve had taken from his mother’s cookbooks, and then as they sat against the couch on the floor, with Nat’s head laying in the crook of Steve’s shoulder, enveloped in a continual sense of love, affection, and thoughts of this being forever.

And then Steve told her. He sat up, causing Nat to do the same, and he was suddenly very nervous.

“Nat, I love you.” Steve’s statement was abrupt and his voice sounded higher than normal.

“I love you too Steve. Are you okay?” Nat’s voice was slightly concerned.

“I-I meant to tell you earlier, but I didn’t want to ruin all of the good moments.” Natasha’s heart dropped. She didn’t like the way this conversation sounded. “And I know that it was horrible of me to keep it from you, to _lie_ to you, but I couldn’t-not with you getting accepted and mom dying and-“

“Steve, are you cheating on me?”

The question caught him by surprise. He thought back to his words and realized that what he was saying could definitely be a precedent to a confession of that sorts.

“No! No no, that’s not what I was going to say.” Natasha’s sigh relief came out audible.

“Thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to kick your butt.”

“No. What I was going to say was that I-I’m enlisted in the army. Have been since the summer.”

Natasha looked at him steadily.

“All of your vacations?”

“Procedures.” Natasha sat back, seemingly absorbing what he had just told her.

“I-Steve, that’s great.” Steve was surprised. He expected her to be angry at him for lying to her, but she seemed genuinely happy for him, even if it was tinged with a hint of sadness.

“Really?”

“Is that what’s going to make you happy?”

“Yeah. It really does.”

“If it makes you happy, then I’m going to be happy.”

“And I just wanted to check to make sure that it was okay I put your name as my primary contact. I-I had it changed after mom died, and I figured it would be okay with you, but looking back on it, I should have asked first.”

Natasha just stared at him before engulfing him in a hug, gently kissing him on the lips.

“I’m honored that my name is your contact.”

Steve smiled and leaned forward to kiss her again. When they broke apart, Steve scooted away from her, fishing around in the pocket of the coat hung on the arm of the couch.

“Natasha, it was that day of mom’s funeral that I realized I didn’t want anybody you. I wanted you by my side forever. And so I hunted through my mom’s stuff, and I found this.” The velvet box sat in his hands, and Natasha’s eyes widened when she realized what was happening. “Natasha, I know that what I’m going to do is dangerous, and the risk of not coming back is high. But I want to be with you. I want to be able to call you mine officially. So I was wondering, will you marry me?”

The words came out stuttered and flustered, and for a few seconds there was silence.

“I – I, Steve, we’re only seniors in high school. I mean, we’re barely even adults.” Steve’s face fell and his hands dropped. The look on his face made Natasha put her hands on his cheeks and turn him so that he was looking at her. “Steve, I love you to the ends of the earth, and I would happily say yes if we were seniors in college. But we’ve got to grow up a little first. I want to finish college before I get married. I understand that you’re worried we’ll lose contact after we graduate, but that’ll never happen. I love you way too much for that to happen. And as for the not coming home part, well, you aren’t allowed to stay there. You have to come back. And if you die, then I will kick your butt back to life from the dead just to kill you myself. Give it another four years. When I graduate, we’ll get married, okay? I expect you to propose the minute I get my diploma, and I will say yes and people will video tape it and we’ll be the next internet sensation for a day.”

Steve looked deep into her eyes and saw that everything she said she believed. She just wanted to go through college, get another four years before getting married. And he respected that.

So he leaned in and put his forehead against hers and whispered ‘I love you’s’ over and over.

After that night, they were closer than ever. They spent every waking moment together, trying to get over the fact that graduation was looming and that meant leaving everything they had known and forging their own paths in the world.

But time didn’t stop for them, and soon Natasha was gripping Steve at the airport, making him promise to her that he would come back to her soon, that he would write often, and that he would keep good on his promise in four years.

And then he was gone.

Life went on, and Natasha settled in quickly to her life at college, and her roommate Wanda quickly became her best friend. She and Steve exchanged at least two letters per week, and she was happy, even if she missed him every single day.

It was about 5 pm on a sunny spring day half way through Sophomore year of college that Natasha came home to her dorm from class with Wanda by her side. In her hand was a letter, addressed to Steve wishing him a happy four-year anniversary. She was headed to change before she delivered the letter to the post-office, but she stopped in her tracks before she got the chance to.

Because standing at her dorm doors stood the Dean of Students and two uniformed servicemen.

Natasha’s heart felt as if it had died as she approached them, hoping that they were just recruiters. But the tears in the Dean’s eyes were all she needed to know.

She heard Wanda gasp as she fell to knees on the ground, numb, and couldn’t stop the tears as they fell freely or the heart wrenching sobs that were ripped from her throat.

The forgotten letter was picked up off the ground by a passing breeze and fluttered in the wind; up, up up, away from Natasha, away from the earth.

And then it was gone.

She didn’t feel the Dean and Wanda helping her inside. Didn’t hear the servicemen officially deliver the news. All she knew at that moment was pure agony. It was as if her entire being was being crushed by a trash compactor.

She was inconsolable for the next few days. Her friends picked up any notes and assignments from her professors, who were happy to comply after finding out what the situation was. Wanda had to force her to eat and drink and shower and not waste away.

On the fourth day she got up and got dressed, then walked right into her father’s arms when he picked her up for the funeral and cried again.

He looked as if he were sleeping in his coffin. It was open. He had died diving in front of his teammate to save his life and the bullet hit him in the heart. He was a hero.

But hero or not, he was still gone.

She stayed at the site after everyone had left, clutching the burial flag they had presented her to her chest.

“You promised.” The words came out in a whisper, talking to the new headstone that marked the love of her life.

On the sixth day she cleaned out her belongings from her house and moved into his condo, because even though being surrounded by his things ripped her wounds new, she felt the need to be closer to them, closer to him.

On the seventh day, the doorbell rang and two boxes stood there, proud and tall, and when Natasha opened them, she cried her tear ducts dry going through all the items he had with him while he was serving. She picked out all of the pictures he had taken with him of her, followed by two stacks of letters rubber banded together, presumably all of the letters he had received in the years he was gone.

At the bottom of the last box, Natasha found a stray letter. She was about to put it with the others, but then she noticed that the letter didn’t have a post mark. It was never delivered and it was addressed to her.

So she opened the flap and took out the piece of paper.

And then she fell apart.

_Dear Natasha,_

_If you are reading this letter, then I guess I didn’t make it home. I asked Dum Dum if he could make sure it was separate from the other letters when my stuff was sent back, and so I can only assume that he did as I asked. I’m sorry that I broke my promise. I can only imagine what you’d be doing if you have to read this letter, and if you’re crying, I would give up every success in my life for the chance to wipe those tears away. Please don’t cry, my love. We knew the risks going in, and I know that while that might not make the pain any less, I want you to know that I picture your face every time I wake up. Every time the night gets cold, I think of your arms. Every time I hear bullets, I think of the life for us that I’m fighting to protect. Don’t you think for a minute that I value what I’m doing more than you. Death isn’t logical. We can’t predict it when it comes unexpectedly. So I’m sorry that logic failed us. If I knew that I would be counted as part of the casualty count, I would have stayed home. I don’t regret doing what I did, serving, but I regret not being able to come home to you. I wish I could have both. And maybe I will. This letter is out of pure fear that I will die and you won’t get anything from me. I don’t want it to be that way. But if this is what it comes to, then I want to give you closure. Yes, I died. But know that I died loving you and that I died knowing you loved me too. Please don’t let my death stop your life. I know it’s cheesy and I probably don’t need to tell you that, but I need you to know that I know you will always love me, so don’t let it stop you from continuing forth. I know you’ll do great things. When I’m gone, give love a second chance. When I’m gone, live life as if I were still there with you physically. Because even when I’m gone I’ll always be there for you. When you graduate. When you get your first real job. When you meet the guy who will make you feel like I did. Again, I am so incredibly sorry that I broke my promise to you. I will always love you. You are my life, my love, and my reason I keep fighting every day. I will continue to fight for us every day. Fight to get home. Fight to get to hear you say yes to being my wife. Fight for our future. I love you, forever and always._

_With all my love,_

_Steve Rogers_


End file.
